Hey, look what I found!

The following are two blogs that I found from my high school days. I don't remember writing them. It was years ago that I wrote all this, but it's surprising how much these same words could be said of my life the way it is right now.





Title: Remember
Current mood: peaceful
I've always had a pretty good memory for seemingly unimportant things. I remember what car my 7th grade social studies teacher drove, the design on my aunt's front door knob, how much it costs for a bag of cotton balls... completely insubstantial and of no real consequence. It makes sense that I would remember little things about each of you: your birthday, how you like your eggs, how you responded to a question I asked you... I'm not stalking you, I promise; I just remember. I don't know how many times someone has asked me, "how do you remember that, Michaela?" in response to a comment that seems a little more detailed than the average memory would allow one to retain. I never really knew what to say other than "well, I just remember stuff like that." I used to think it carried over from my "remembers everything that I don't need to know" memory, but after some soul-searching, I've figured out the REAL reason:


* I care about you.


Doesn't that make more sense? I honestly and genuinely care about you. I remember your birthday because you're my friend; I know how you like your eggs because I think you're interesting; I recall our conversations because I like talking to you. I don't just pick things out of the air to recall about everyday situations; I actually care about you. Sure, I still have a knack for remembering random stuff, but that doesn't take away from the fact that you mean a lot to me.


It's sad that it's taken me so long to discover this about myself. I truly feel daft for never having taken the time to realize why I'm so observant and cognizant of the people around me. I apologize for letting myself ignore how much I care about you. Above all things, I apologize for never telling you how much you mean to me. I hope I can take immediate steps to fix whatever it is I've done to our relationship by withholding my feelings from you. To all within range of my voice (or wi-fi connection, rather), I proclaim my great affection for you. You're amazing, and you ought to know it. I promise to make you feel special someday soon; you deserve it.


* NOTE TO READER: (Just to be sure, "I care about you" does not equal "I like/am stalking you;" I may be fond of you in some way, but that's the end of that. NO CREEPY BUSINESS.)






Title: Wish
Current mood: calm
I wish I could remember everything. I wish I had known better. I wish I had just let it happen. I wish I didn't have to. I wish I knew your secret. I wish I had said yes. I wish I had an "easy" button. I wish I could explain myself. I wish we had started sooner. I wish I could make you understand. I wish I'd saved up for this. I wish I hadn't hesitated. I wish I'd paid attention. I wish I knew why. I wish I had stood my ground. I wish we'd had the same idea. I wish I had been there for you. I wish I had figured it out by myself. I wish I had read the directions. I wish I'd invited you. I wish we had more time. I wish I wasn't so scared. I wish our plans hadn't fallen through. I wish that day had never ended. I wish I had made my own decision. I wish I had poured my heart out to you. I wish I'd been there for you. I wish I had thought about what I had to lose. I wish I wasn't so bitter. I wish I had something important to tell you. I wish I knew how to say it. I wish I was more like you. I wish I could take you with me. I wish I could come back whenever you need me. I wish you knew how I felt without me having to tell you. I wish I could honestly say "I'll see you later." I wish the period at the end of our sentence could be an ellipsis…

I wish you were here.